In a world where anyone can just talk into the voice memos app on their iPhone and try to become famous, it's no surprise that the worlds of music and podcasting would eventually collide. It makes the most sense for musicians themselves to start a podcast, but we all know that's unrealistic. Considering the mascot is mostly used on merchandise, album covers, and sometimes even beer cans, they have some time to spare and start pushing metal to the next generation of insufferable teenage boys. There is. Before that inevitably happens, let's take the time to rank 15 heavy metal mascots based on how insufferable they are as podcast hosts.
15. Eddie (Iron Maiden)
Unfortunately, it's already not in his favor since Eddie is a rotting British corpse. What works in his favor is that he's pretty much a participant in every event in the world, and while he's probably responsible for stealing all those artifacts for the British Museum, there's a huge amount of shit he's done. Considering that, he has some decent stories to tell. Besides, who needs a Raid Shadow Legends sponsor when you have your own shitty mobile game?
14. Death Bat (Avenged Sevenfold)
Deathbat is low on this list because he seems pretty harmless, unlike some of the edgelords who came after him. Sure, he might look at his JPEG of a skeleton with a gun and think it's ironically cool, but 14-year-olds need podcasts, too. His podcast will probably be about interviewing people about how they tricked out Jeeps and dune buggies, but it'll probably be well-intentioned. We all need to get a little fed up sometimes.
13. Snuggletooth (Motorhead)
Snaggletooth is the type of guy who gets pissed off about something new every week. His uncontrollable rants are funny at first, and at times his anger is justified, but after the first few episodes, his anger quickly gets old. You will also listen to his Remy stories.
12. Not Man (Anthrax)
If you watch Not Man, it's a typical Italian deli that somehow recites an entire game of random word Scrabble while you're trying to order a sandwich, and still finds time to call your girlfriend a “broad.” You would think it would be an employee of. This guy might be funny, but he'd probably give really bad sports betting advice, and at the same time flaunt his wealth while begging for donations on Patreon.
11. Charlie (Overkill)
Charlie and Deathbat are very similar, and Charlie hates it. Charlie has a bit more of an edge and constantly points out the fact that Deathbat is a bad copy of everything he does. Charley definitely confirms that everyone who wears a Thrasher shirt is a “real” skater, even though he became interested in skating after a Tony Hawk Pro Skater game type mascot.
10. The Man in the Iron Mask (Quiet Riot)
It's hard not to sympathize with the Man in the Iron Mask, considering he is constantly in fear and is clearly the protector of the state. If you like avant-garde noise podcasts about a guy screaming alone, check this out. Bill Burr kind of made a career out of it, but The Man in the Iron Mask doesn't have the same comedic flair.
9. Vic Rattlehead (Megadeth)
It's not entirely clear whether Vic can actually speak. So if Vic can't speak, why is he so low on the list? Well, some members of the bands he represents have to learn, but sometimes it's better not to say anything. There are better things to do than say something stupid. Considering Vic is often portrayed as a politician, I think the fact that he can't speak is probably for the best. Vic may be a bad podcast host, but that's a good thing. Also, the chain is constantly rattling, making it difficult to listen using headphones.
8. Sister (Danzig)
Again, to be honest, I'm not sure if this guy can talk, but if he did, he'd probably be talking about new age paganism, despite being Danzig's mascot, but “Church on Fire.” It will speak in the form of the wind. Considering that, there are already enough edgy black metal fans on the internet that he might as well say less.
7. Violent Mind (Creator)
Looking at Violent Mind's name alone, it's safe to assume he's ironically related to the Joker, so that's instantly a bad sign. That aside, he looks like the type of enemy you'd encounter in a video game that lasts about five hours, so his commentary probably won't be all that deep. He has a violent heart, that's all. So this could probably be another MMA podcast.
6. The Guy (Disturbed)
The man in Disturbed is unforgettable. Apparently, he's supposed to be an anti-hero, the savior of humanity, so let's just lump him in with the other generic edgelords and call it quits. He doesn't even have a name, so the algorithm certainly won't be of much use. If you're looking for podcasts about literature, race in America, gender identity, or even current events, this isn't for you. This podcast will only make you even stupider.
5. Roy (Children of Bodom)
What's so hard to understand about Roy is that he just stands there on every album cover. If he's in a good mood, he might reach out to you, but even that won't be much. Roy is the type of guy who takes himself very seriously. He sat there spouting the type of philosophy you often see from middle-aged men riding mushrooms at tool shows, except he was stone-cold.
4. Murray (Dio)
Murray is obnoxious because he always tries to overcompensate for the fact that his name is Murray. Also, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Murray looks like a fascist, so his popularity will be determined solely by how much bigotry he can pack into 45 minutes.
3. Jester Head (in flames)
There's no way you can call yourself a “Jesterhead” and not try your hand at comedy, so it's safe to say that the Jesterhead podcast falls into the “comedy” category, but listening to it… You'll just feel sick. His statements were name-calling and complaining about being cancelled, but no one was actually listening or caring. He became even more bitter about the lack of downloads, and eventually all he talked about was how many guns he bought at out-of-state gun shows over the weekend.
2. Kunaren Heights (Sodom)
Yes, just a Nazi. The band itself is anti-war, but it's hard to believe that Knalen Heights is. This guy is basically anti-Captain America because he enjoys war a little too much and there's clearly nothing fascist about America. No matter how good Ye did on Joe Rogan's show in the past, bringing up Nazis on a podcast is still a bad idea.
1. Knucklehead (Five Finger Death Punch)
Although he may not be as openly fascist as some of his peers, Knucklehead is definitely the type of veteran who cherishes the memory of the hospital bombing. He was a huge Lockheed Martin fan and was able to tie every decision he made to 9/11. He spent his podcast giving Detroit Urban Survival Training-level bad martial arts advice and making up a bunch of stories about ruthless war heroes. It is no exaggeration to say that it is the bottom of hell.
