“I'm pretty open at work and tell people that I have two partners and that I'm a man. oh“But I'm trying to say, 'That's not really true,'” said Legault, 58. “But the nice thing about it — and people understand right away — is, 'I have three incomes.' That's what I mean,” he said.
Jacques, Legault, and his girlfriend (who did not want to be named in this article for privacy reasons) are involved in a “Vee'' in which one person (Scott) acts as a “hinge'' in the relationship with the other two. ”. People who are not dating independently. But there are many other types of polyamory (an umbrella term for people who pursue multiple romantic relationships at once).
There is a triad and all three date each other individually or as a group. There is a hierarchical structure consisting of a primary partner and a secondary partner. and non-hierarchical polyamory, where all relationships are on equal footing. There are “nesting partners” (partners who live together) and “comets” (partners who meet only rarely).
Just as each configuration, often referred to as a “polycule,” is custom-made, these relationships also require custom-made financial considerations.
Who pays for the date? Do partners combine their means? And money is one of the hardest things for couples to talk about, but what do conversations about money look like outside of the duo?
Polyamory glossary
The prevalence of polyamory is unclear, with a 2016 study estimating that more than one in five U.S. adults have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, but Somerville, Cambridge and Arlington are emerging as community hubs. In the past three years, all three municipalities have begun allowing domestic partnerships of two or more people (with Somerville believed to be the first in the country to do so in 2020). The city of Somerville also passed an ordinance banning discrimination against polyamorous people.
The Globe spoke to more than More than a dozen New Englanders who identify as polyamorous share how matters of the heart intersect with matters of the wallet.
cost of dating
According to Match's 2022 study, single people spend $117 billion annually on dating. And for polyamorous people, taking care of all the different aspects of their love lives can come at a particularly high price.
Haley Slavic, a 27-year-old nanny, started dating her boyfriend in August 2022. When that relationship began, she recalled, “she definitely started getting extravagant” on dates. She said the habit had a negative impact on her relationship with her wife. Together for 9 years.
Ms. Slavik began setting aside funds in her personal checking account, specifically for expenses related to her relationship with her boyfriend. She also has individual meetings with each member every month, and she is one of the content to discuss their money.
Professor Sparrow Alden, 59, of New Hampshire, has devised a more makeshift budgeting method. She and her wife of 33 years each put all of their income into a joint bank account. From there, she receives a personal allowance of about $100 each month. Some of the money was placed in a physical envelope that she used to pay for a date with her out-of-state boyfriend, who also placed the same amount in the envelope.
“It was just total transparency,” she said.
For long-distance polyamorous relationships, travel can be the biggest item. Somerville resident Marissa Barlow, 36, identifies herself as a “poly loner.” This means she lives alone and has no plans to share household finances with her partner. She has two local partners and one serious partner who lives in Seattle.
She said she often splits the cost of tapas or sushi dates with local partners. If she is her Seattle partner, further calculations are required. When they visit each other about once a month, each pays for their own flight, and when she flies to visit him because he lives with another partner, he splits her accommodation costs.
“It's a very expensive relationship,” she said with a laugh.
Dating can be a “lifelong process for polyamorous people” so financial sustainability is key, said Matthew Burdick, from Warwick, Co. He shares a girlfriend with his wife Melanie Carrazzo and has had several other relationships.
“Love is infinite, but…” Burdick says, launching into a well-worn adage within the polyamorous community.
“Time and finances are not,” Carazzo concluded. “You just have to set your priorities.”
Does polyamory save money?
When it comes to long-term expenses, many polyamorous people say that being in a relationship has eased the burden of various living expenses.
“The meme is…that now the only way to make rent is to be polyamorous,” he said. Willie Burnley Jr. is a polyamorous Somerville City Council member who sponsored the city's new ordinance.
Just ask Kayden McPherson. In April, the rent on the three-bedroom apartment she shares with her husband in Fall River will increase from $1,200 a month to $1,800 a month, a price the couple is already living “paycheck to paycheck.” , said Mr. McPherson, who works there. in the bank's fraud department.
So the two are negotiating. other The other half – another couple currently living in Maine – are looking to buy property and move together to a less expensive location like Rhode Island.
Ms McPherson, 30, said: “My mother said, “What do you do with your dad once in a while? How do you deal with three people?'' I said, “This is getting a little interesting. , it works out well from an economic standpoint.’ It worked out very, very well.”
Other savings may come simply from rearranging household labor. Heather Reed Barratt, 38, of Hinsdale, New Hampshire, is part of the “triad.” Reid-Barratt has a girlfriend and another partner who is preparing to move in with them and their 11 others. -Children aged 0 years.
If that happens, they plan to split the cost of about $6,000 a month three ways. You also have the benefit of having a built-in childcare facility.
“This really alleviates having to pay for someone to come,” Reed-Barratt said.
Reed-Barratt added that the financial relief was “an unexpected benefit.”
Communication with multiple partners
“The way our culture treats having different attitudes about money as moral and virtuous applies just as much to polyamory as it does to monogamy,” says the Connecticut-based author of the financial guide. says relationship coach Laura Boyle. Polyamory. “If more than three people have to solve it, it quickly becomes very complex.”
Barlow said card-on-the-table conversations about money will become increasingly important as more partners come on board.
When Barlow and her Seattle partner started dating in 2022, she said they had to have “big conversations” about money as they started investing in their long-distance relationship. Especially since Barlow has a domestic partner for her to consider.
“If you're planning a vacation, there are people who have some relevant information, even if they're not going on that vacation,” she said.
One of Barlow's local partners, East Boston resident Fritz McGill, was in a monogamous marriage until the summer of 2021, when they separated and decided to try polyamory. His ex-wife brought in a much higher income than he did, he said. Over time, it caused anger. Now, with new partners, all topics are up for discussion, he said.
“I think the openness of polyamory lends itself to being open to conversation,” he says.
After all, money matters are just one of the many daunting topics that having multiple partners brings to the forefront, from jealousy to sexually transmitted diseases.
“It's still a difficult conversation,” Warwick resident Melanie Carazzo said. “But part of polyamory is facing difficult conversations and actually having them.”
Dana Gerber can be reached at dana.gerber@globe.com.follow her @danagerber6.
