Danny Jacobs always knew his dad, Richard, was … different.
For instance, Richard’s house had no street number. Instead, he lived in Creve Coeur, Missouri, at the Royal Manor on Royal Manor Drive because he’d pushed the county into letting him name his house like it was an estate. (This made getting food delivered almost impossible.)
And the house “was like the Boo Radley House,” childhood friend Darren Grodsky, 44, remembers. “It was the house in the neighborhood all the kids were scared of.”
Grodsky remembers a dark interior packed with boxes and piles of papers as unwelcoming as the exterior when he slept over as a kid.
Adults were wary of the house, too, but for different reasons. If he felt wronged or slighted, Richard, a lawyer, would use the legal system to seek retribution, his son recalls. When that didn’t work, Richard engaged in endless letter-writing campaigns and all-hours phone calls to get what he wanted, according to Jacobs.
People are also reading…
On a podcast, Danny Jacobs, 44, says his mom was invited to join a support group after his parents divorced. But it wasn’t for divorcees. It was for victims of Richard.
“There were dozens of them. … And after my dad lost his law license, which is a whole other story, they set out to make sure he was permanently disbarred,” he says in the podcast’s first episode.
Richard lost his license in the early 1980s. At the time, in a related legal case, he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having narcissistic personality disorder, which causes people to have a high regard for themselves but not to understand or care about the feelings of others.
He was diagnosed again with the disorder as part of a custody battle after the divorce. Danny was 6 when his parents divorced.
The disorder explained a lot of Richard’s destructive behavior, which often corroded his closest relationships. For instance, he wanted to help his son break into the film industry, so he sent letters in Danny’s name to Hollywood bigwigs asking for an meetings. Danny was unaware of it until a friend told him about the letters.
Richard struggled to hold down regular jobs after being fired from the Securities and Exchange Commission for accessing a classified database, his son says.
Danny eventually had to cut his father off, and Richard died four years later, in 2015. By then, Danny had moved to Los Angeles and become a filmmaker. His childhood friend, Grodsky, became his writing and directing partner.
Together, they made the films “Humboldt County” and “Growing Up and Other Lies.” Danny also acts, has a regular improv show at the Groundlings, a wife and kids, and a life far from St. Louis.
But he had never really dealt with any of it: the sadness of his childhood, the loss of a father, the impact his upbringing had on his life and, perhaps most importantly, the worries about raising his own kids.
“A lot of times for people, parenthood is about re-creating, in a nostalgic way, experiences from their childhood with their own children, and I have none of that,” Danny Jacobs says during an interview.
So he partnered again with Grodsky and started a podcast about his dad called “How to Destroy Everything.”
Danny Jacobs, left, and Darren Grodsky are writing and directing partners, but lately they’ve partnered on a podcast about Jacobs’ childhood with his narcissistic dad called “How to Destroy Everything.”
Podcast goes viral
Jacobs and Grodsky decided to release the first episode of “How to Destroy Everything” as soon as it was finished, with no other shows in the offing. This was intentional.
Jacobs isn’t fully aware of everything his dad was up to when he was growing up. His father was secretive, building hidden compartments into his home, controlling 60 phone numbers under various pseudonyms and hoarding documents.
So Jacobs set up an email: iknowrichardjacobs@gmail.com to allow listeners who may have known Richard to share stories as part of the show.
To get listeners, Jacobs and Grodsky applied to be highlighted on Apple’s homepage banner, which Apple regularly changes. After they released their second episode in October 2023, they were featured.
The story Creve Coeur’s Richard Jacobs is being told on son Danny Jacobs’ podcast, “How to Destroy Everything.” Danny tells stories of his father’s narcissistic behaviors.
The podcast got a quarter-million listeners in just a few days and peaked at No. 3 on the charts.
“It was insane,” Grodsky recalls.
The podcast now has more than a million streams.
Suddenly, everyone had the same question, “Where is the next episode?”
“We were working on it, but it was not all done,” Grodsky says. “So we were in a state of panic — euphoria and panic at the same time.”
iHeartRadio even recognized the show in its iHeart Podcast Awards, nominating it for best emerging podcast for 2024. “How to Destroy Everything” lost out to “The Really Good Podcast” with Bobbi Althoff, but it’s still impressive for a show with only two episodes and a few interstitial placeholders that the team calls “Interregnums.”
There have been lots of changes behind the scenes. Grodsky and Jacobs partnered with a new producer, Michael Grant Terry, who also works on “SmartLess,” a popular podcast hosted by Sean Hayes, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett.
With reenactments, trips back to St. Louis and more, creating the podcast costs money. Jacobs and Grodsky have only had a Patreon to generate support. They are now in talks with various podcast networks and plan to relaunch the show, hopefully this summer.
In the meantime, they’re still working on episodes and will release them on a regular cadence when the show starts back up.
“We apologize to everyone for the delay,” Jacobs says. “If I were out there, I would be furious as well. All we can say is that it will be worth it in the end.”
‘How many narcissists are out there?’
In the meantime, Jacobs and Grodsky have been inundated with emails from people who have narcissists in their lives.
Jacobs shared one letter during “Interregnum 2”, which read in part: “Holy (expletive) I am not alone. Someone else had a narcissistic sociopath with pathological tendencies as a father.”
Grodsky then made a joke, wondering how many narcissists there are in the world.
“Apparently a lot,” Jacobs replies.
The podcast’s popularity has been a double-edged sword for Jacobs.
“Friends (and) people I don’t know will come up to me like, ‘Hey, let’s talk about the most significant trauma in your life,’” Jacobs said in an interview. “Suddenly, I’m out in the world, and that’s being asked of me. I’m not complaining about it, I’m just pointing it out as an additional challenge that I wasn’t expecting.”
Family dynamics have also shifted for Jacobs. One of his family members is adamantly opposed to the podcast because “in my family, there is a lot of residual shame with being associated with my dad,” Jacobs says. “So anything that brings attention to the fact that they are related to him triggers their own intense shame and brings it to the surface.
“One of the things I’ve come to realize about doing the show and seeing the effect it has on my family is that basically there’s like generational trauma,” Jacobs adds.
Before, it largely went unacknowledged, but he says the show has created a new dynamic.
“There is a lot of chaos as we’re seeing where the chips land. And it’s painful and it’s hard and complicated,” Jacobs says.
The podcast isn’t shying away from the dynamics. Instead, in the “Thanksgiving Announcement” episode, you can hear Jacobs reacting in real time to a family group text where he was being attacked by one relative and the rest of the family was asking him to be more careful of the other person’s feelings.
“I’m pissed off,” Jacobs explodes on the podcast. “I’m the one that got attacked here. And everyone’s like, ‘Oh, can you just be careful. It’s upsetting this other person.’ What about me? … Maybe try having some empathy for me. This is exactly what my childhood was, dude. Everybody (expletive) concerned about everybody (else).”
Danny Jacobs (left) with his father Richard
The long shadow of Richard Jacobs
Despite upset family members, Grodsky and Jacobs try to present a picture of Richard as more than a destructive presence.
For instance, Richard’s dislike of authority saw him fight the American Bar Association all the way to the Supreme Court over regulations about how lawyers could advertise. While it was a rare instance when Richard didn’t represent himself, he did win his case.
Plus, there were daily absurdities that Grodsky and Jacobs laugh at.
When Grodsky’s dad died, for instance, Richard sat shiva every day. (Jews sit shiva for seven days when someone dies.) Richard had gone to high school with Grodsky’s parents, but Grodsky didn’t realize they were that close. Soon, Grodsky and his mother realized Richard was just there for the free food, and he wasn’t actually talking to anyone.
Another listener wrote in to say they thought they’d once seen Richard at a grocery store … eating directly from the salad bar.
Still, even these anecdotes are embarrassing for Jacobs, and he continues to uncover negative stories about his dad when talking to neighbors and other people who reached out.
But the podcast is leading to something good. Jacobs’ mom, Sandy, has become a beloved part of the podcast as she describes what it was like being married to Richard.
“My mom’s involvement in the podcast has been amazing,” he says.
Richard Jacobs with his son Danny
At first, his older brother objected to the podcast, but Jacobs says a lengthy conversation they had would make it into an upcoming episode. Plus, his friendship with Grodsky has deepened.
“We are and have been talking about things in this podcast that we have never actually talked about before,” Grodsky said in an interview. “And as a result, there’s a greater vulnerability. I think I understand Danny more as a result of this, and we have greater intimacy as a result.”
“It makes me uncomfortable, but it’s fine,” Jacobs said, jokingly.
It’s a peek at how Jacobs handled years of an unstable childhood, by making a joke when he was uncomfortable. But Jacobs is changing.
“I have faith that this process is a positive thing,” he says, “and that it will lead me to a more enlightened and hopefully more emotionally connected place. I have hope.”
You can listen to “How to Destroy Everything” wherever you stream your podcasts.
How to spot a narcissist (and what to do about it)
Telltale signs of a narcissist
A true narcissist has a lot more going on than just a devoted relationship with their phone camera. (Viorel Sima/Dreamstime/TNS)
Previously, the American Psychiatric Association stated Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is diagnosed when a person shows five or more of the traits below. But many in the medical community aren’t satisfied with this criteria and find, in practice, diagnosing NPD is much more nuanced.
— a grandiose sense of self-importance
— preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty and/or love
— believe they are special and unique
— require excessive admiration
— possess a very strong sense of entitlement
— exploit others
— lack empathy
— have a habit of envying others, or believe others are envious of them
— regularly display arrogant or haughty behavior or attitudes
So, does this condition spring from birth or is it a learned behavior? The jury’s still out — though most experts point to a person’s upbringing, rather than their biology.
But one thing is certain: Spending time around a narcissist can do a number on your mental health. If you recognize many of the harmful behaviors on this list, it’s possible you’re dealing with a narcissist.
NPD is one of the least studied personality disorders. Because of this, there’s quite a bit of debate over diagnosis and treatment. The following signs are commonly seen in narcissists but this is by no means an exhaustive explanation.
And with that in mind, this information shouldn’t be used to self-diagnose or impose a diagnosis on another. Only a licensed mental health professional can give a formal diagnosis.
1. They’ll do and say anything to prove they’re the best
When it comes to OTT, narcissists have exaggerating down to, well, a T. They believe they’re superior to those around them and will lie to build up the grand image they have of themselves.
A narcissist might claim to be the driver behind that recent multimillion dollar deal, even though they only typed up the meeting minutes.
At the same time, their grand sense of self-importance drives them to dream big. They might fantasize about rubbing elbows with the CEO of Google or dating a celebrity. To rationalize these dreams, they spin a web of stories with little ties to reality.
It can be maddening to live or work alongside a person who willfully distorts the facts like this. You might feel overshadowed by their self-importance or frustrated that people actually believe some of the lies they spout.
How to cope
If their lies are really starting to get to you, do what you can to put distance — physical and emotional — between the two of you. And remember, it’s likely you’re not the only one who’s noticed they’re exaggerating.
2. They’re desperate for your affirmation
One of the most important things to understand about a narcissist is that they feed off other people’s attention.
“Narcissists require something called ‘narcissistic supply,’ which is basically attention,” explains Martin. You might compliment their new bag. But they’ll push for more. “Isn’t the color amazing? Guess which designer it’s by?”
Needless to say, conversations can become very one-sided — and tiring.
Since offering reassurance around their so-called greatness can be truly exasperating, the best advice here is to recognize why they act this way and try to feed into it as little as possible. You’re not a machine, after all!
3. They’re entitled AF
They show up for work late, leave early and miss deadlines. But they definitely deserve that pay raise, right?
A narcissist believes they’re entitled to the best with very little effort. Unfortunately, when this doesn’t come to fruition, the result is often drama and tantrums, a la toddler-style.
A narcissist might also believe they’re too special to carry out certain tasks. Think about that housemate who refuses to clean the toilets or take out the trash because that’s “beneath them,” or a sibling who refuses to come to your party because the bar you’ve chosen isn’t exclusive enough.
It can feel downright unfair to coexist with a person who moves through the world with such a haughty sense of self. You may be working extra hard for what you have, while they skate along on so little.
4. Sneering is their preferred form of congratulations
Narcissists are perpetually envious of others, while also believing, (usually without good cause) that others are envious of them. They deserve the very best, and woe betide if you have something they don’t.
If you achieve something, it’s common to be put down instead of congratulated. The offhand snide remark or negative comment can sting, and when it’s a regular part of the relationship it can become a form of emotional abuse.
How to cope
If this kind of behavior has you down, talk to your friends and family. They’ll be able to fill the void of support left by this person’s selfishness. You may also want to talk to a mental health professional, they can help you process your experience — especially if the narcissistic person is family.
5. You always seem to hear from them when they need something
A narcissist will do anything to get what they want — even if it means using you for their own gain.
Does that friend suddenly get in touch when they need a favor, drop you like a hot stone once they’ve got what they need, then call again the next time they require a hand? They’re not afraid to scroll through their contacts and turn on the charm.
It can hurt to feel exploited or used, especially when you believed there was genuine interest and friendship. It’s important not to let it impact your trust in other friendships, though. Remember, this isn’t regular “friendship behavior.”
6. Somehow it’s always your fault
Narcissists are skilled at turning around the facts to portray themselves as the victim. They might constantly tell you you’re being too sensitive to make their own selfish actions seem less impactful.
Because of narcissists’ lack of empathy, they’re also prone to gaslighting. This essentially means they lie, manipulate and twist the facts to make the people around them doubt their perception of reality.
Being manipulated like this can be incredibly destabilizing and confusing. You may feel less confident than you once did or like everything you do is wrong.
7. When you call them out, they lose their s***
Nobody loves to be called out — but narcissists tend to react with what Martin describes as “unexpected and uncontrollable anger and desire for revenge.”
“Narcissists love to be in control, especially of their public image,” explains Martin. “Remember, this is carefully contrived to preserve their fragile self-esteem. If they are challenged or exposed, it can trigger narcissist rage.”
It can be scary to be on the receiving end of someone’s temper. Remember: A screaming match is exactly what they want, so try to keep calm and not engage.
WTF can I do about it?
Being around a narcissist can be emotionally draining and destabilizing. You may be desperately in search of a fix or cure for their behavior, especially if they’re a loved one of otherwise close to you.
“Narcissists are very, very hard to treat,” says Sarah Davies, counseling psychologist and author of “Never Again — Moving On from Narcissistic Abuse and Other Toxic Relationships.”
“As far as they’re concerned, there’s nothing wrong with them, and it’s everyone else’s fault, problem, and responsibility. For that reason, they’re very unlikely to ever go to therapy. If they do, it’s usually to continue finger pointing and remain in the victim mentality.”
Which means, for your own sake, cut out that individual out.
“You need to gently remove yourself from the relationship,” Martin shares. “It doesn’t have to involve lots of drama — but move them to the farthest, most outer part of your life as possible.”
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic sibling, for example, do what you can to keep interactions at a minimum. Make alternative plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and explain the situation to your parents to avoid further upset.
“Say, ‘I love seeing you, but I need to limit the time I spend with my sibling’,” Martin suggests. “It’s about damage limitation.”
But we all know cancelling someone IRL is easier said than done.
How to cope when a narcissist is unmovable
If they’re not going to change, and cutting them out isn’t in the cards, what can you do to keep from sinking under the weight of their load? These slices of advice will help put daylight between you and them.
Know what you’re dealing with
“Once you can recognize their behaviors, it can take the power out of getting pulled into an abusive relationship with a narcissist,” states Davies. “See it and label it in your own mind: ‘Ah, that’s what they’re doing.'”
Don’t feed the me-me-me
“Narcissists love positive attention, but also thrive on negative attention — even if someone is criticizing them and talking about them negatively,” Martin reveals. “They don’t really care what the attention is, as long as they’re getting it. So, in dealing with a narcissist, you have to minimize attention.”
Set firm boundaries
If a narcissistic friend keeps putting you down, say to them, “If you insult me again, I’m going to leave” — and stick to your guns. “If you’re consistent, those boundaries will act as a repellent and they’ll move onto somebody else,” Davies says.
Use flattery when necessary
“You’ll rarely win by challenging,” says Martin. “Manage them in a way where you get what you want, but allow that person to still feel special.”
For example, if a narcissistic sibling insists on pushing their way to the center of a family photograph, you could say, “Oh, but your top would be accentuated if you stand by this vase over here.”
Reflect their behavior back on them
Try a phrase such as, “I can see you’re trying to guilt trip me.” Essentially, this pulls the rug out from under their ploy and pulls some of your power back. But Davies does caution that, if you get too confrontational, you could be hit with point blank denial and finger pointing.
Let go of trying to fix them
We’ve all seen — and maybe even been — the partner who stays in a relationship because they’re in love and thinks they’ll be able to fix what’s wrong.
With a narcissist, this kind of thinking will only bring more pain. “You’ll never change a narcissist,” says Martin. “They can be very charming and display vulnerability — but it’s all an act.”
Give yourself some extra love and care
If you’re feeling worn down, frustrated, or even hopeless about the situation, we hear you. It’s a lot to go through.
It’s vital to remember the way a narcissist behaves and makes you feel is not your fault. “They will work to diminish your self-confidence and devalue you, in order to raise themselves up,” says Martin. “Accept that, but never internalize it. It’s their problem.”
To counter their negativity, make sure to take extra good care of yourself. Call your friends, take a vacation, splurge on some new underwear — do all those little things that bring you joy.
If your relationship with a narcissist is having severe impacts on your life, it’s a good idea to seek the help of a mental health professional. They’ll be able to help you process your feelings and steer you toward the right resources.
___
Greatist is the fastest-growing fitness, health and happiness media start-up. Check out more health and fitness news, tips, healthy recipes, expert opinion, and fun at Greatist.
(c) 2020 Greatist.
Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
